


International Relations

by gongji



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: M/M, the best thing i've ever written probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 19:00:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6532405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gongji/pseuds/gongji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Man, Hoshido and Nohr foreign diplomacy is wild.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. bet you didn't learn this in IR class

**Author's Note:**

> For a friend who wanted to see more Ryouma/Xander content on the internet. I don't think this is what he wanted.

“It is I, Ryoma of Hoshido! Here with a proposal!” Ryoma announces, showing up at Castle Krakenberg one night, his arrival parting the clouds behind him, sunlight beaming in and melting various Nohrians in his path. They are burning.

“Welcome, Ryoma of Hoshido, it is I, Marxander of Nohr!” Xander walks down the steps menacingly. “What is this proposal?”

“Our countries should unite!” Ryoma says. “This is where I would give more information if this were actually a serious part of the narrative, but it is not! So what do you say, Prince Marxander, do you agree to my terms?”

“I could not agree more! I have no idea what this deal is, but for the sake of the story I must agree to further this flimsy plot along!” Xander nods his head, and then extends his arm. “Come, we must consummate this alliance together!”

“Very well!” Ryoma follows him upstairs. 

LATER THAT NIGHT:

Ryoma walks into the bedroom, shirtless, pecs rippling. “I am here.” He says, hair blowing in the wind from the window that was apparently open somewhere in the room.

Xander immediately starts crying, tension too much for him to handle, as he lays sprawled on the bed. “Ryoma, be gentle, I’m tender.”

“Yes. I will introduce you to...my Raijinto…” Ryoma says.

“And you will see… my Siegbert…”

Siegbert materializes in the room. “Hello did you summon me Father.’”

“NO.” Xander yells, “I meant Siegfried! Damn myself and my inability to name my own son.” 

Siegbert leaves to go play with his dog, Sieghund, and the family cat Siegkat. This isn’t important. 

Anyway Ryoma gets on top of Xander. They gaze into each other’s eyes. “Sorry Xander…” Ryoma says in a soft voice and cups his face, “If this looks gay to the viewers…” 

“It’s alright.” Xander replies, “But why must I be the bottom?”

“Because Nohrians do not get any Vitamin D without sunlight. As per our alliance terms, Raijinto and I am here to provide you with that good Vitamin D. Now, let us begin!” 

There is intense screaming from the bedroom. Because of the sex and also because they both started screaming and now they can’t stop because they are rivals and neither will back down not even during sex they must out-scream the other. 

On the other side of the door, on one side Lazlow and Peri stand quietly, on the other side stands Saizo and Kagero. They are all very uncomfortable.

Saizo breaks the silence. “I didn’t know his full name was Marxander.”

“He doesn’t like to talk about it.” Lazlow replies quietly.

So anyway afterwards Ryoma and Xander lay in bed silently. With slightly different versions of the “this kills the man” meme face.

Also the entire castle heard. Every single person, every soldier, every servant, every noble, heard the sweet sounds of Ryomarxander love making. 

The Hoshido-Nohr kingdom alliance has been officially consummated.

They walk out hours later. Or at least Ryoma does. Xander cannot walk for days. He is tender. 

“Where’s Lord Xander?” Lazlow asks when he sees Ryoma quietly shut the door behind him. 

“Shh… let him rest.” He replies softly. 

Meanwhile Xander looks off into the abyss like the void has taken him. It probably has.


	2. just when you thought it was safe to go outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Ryoma and Xander take a bath in the trademark Hoshido bathhouse, known for its hot spring water soft to the touch. Xander almost drowns.

“I would like to return the favor for our recent rendezvous and invite you to visit our trademark Hoshido bathhouse, known for its hot spring water soft to the touch.” Ryoma calls Xander on the phone to invite him over, except not on the phone because that technology doesn’t exist so he just wrote him a letter or something. 

“I accept this invitation and will come to visit your trademark Hoshido bathhouse, known for its hot spring water soft to the touch.” Xander writes back.

“This is excellent news, I eagerly await your arrival so we can go to our trademark Hoshido bathhouse known for its hot spring water soft to the touch.” Ryoma writes back. He’s probably sending Saizo to run back and forth sending these messages, the poor guy.

Xander arrives in his horse-drawn carriage. “I am here to visit your trademark Hoshido bathhouse, known for its hot spring water soft to the touch.” He announces.

“Please, this way,” Ryoma leads him over to the bathhouse. They get in, fully clothed. Xander even leaves his cravat on. 

Suddenly, Xander is drowning. Ryoma fishes him out of the water like a newborn pup. He is unresponsive. Ryoma will just have to give him CPR… he looks into the camera(?) like he is on the hit TV show The Office. But not just any CPR. Sexy CPR.

Sexy CPR occurs. Which just means Ryoma casually slipped his dick into Xander’s mouth. It works. Xander spits out water.

“Why are you the way you are.” Xander says, but really he didn’t mind.

“Xander why won’t you talk to me?” Ryoma asks after Xander did not speak to him for a grand total of approximately 24 seconds.

“Last time I checked CPR is not casually slipping your dick into my mouth. Not that I mind. But I would rather not be known for dying from suffocating on a dick.” Xander says.

“Suffocating on a dick after almost drowning in a shallow bath, to be more precise.” Ryoma corrects. They both nod. And then start to make out. 

It’s great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for riding this trainwreck with me

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: I think my favorite thing about this fic is that I see people screenshotting parts of it and sharing it on Twitter and eventually a retweet winds up on my TL. I'm seeing the discourse on Twitter and it's the best thing that's ever happened. You guys rock.


End file.
